Monday, December 01, 2008

and now for something completely different

Up until this weekend, this blog has been Chronicles of the Ephemeral, where I write about whatever amusing and trivial things have been happening to me lately. Chronicles will be back again in 2010, but for this year I'm going to be doing something a little different.

It all started... no, I can't possibly trace this back to when it all started. I remember when I was a little girl, I went through a phase when I refused to wear dresses, and then another phase when I refused to wear pants. And whatever was behind both of those phases (I don't remember) is probably a part of what I'm doing now, and that's way too far for me to go back.

Let's just say this: the notion of personal beauty has always been a little bit problematic. I grew up wanting to be beautiful, and I don't think it was because my parents or society told me that a little girl has to be beautiful or she's worthless. I think there's something inherently soul-fulfilling in looking at yourself and being pleased; in knowing that others take pleasure in looking at you. A beautiful person has the same appeal a beautiful tree has, plus that poignant awareness of how close you are to that person, and how distant. When you meet someone, your physical appearances are the first mutual communication you make, and (all else being equal) it is natural and right to want your appearance to be pleasing.

But we all know to what extremes, and what evils, the desire to be beautiful can lead. I'm not going to talk about those generally; I am going to say that, for me, there came a point where I felt I had to eschew any desire to appear beautiful. Rightly or wrongly, in the emotional state I was in, I felt I had two choices: to abuse my body and mind in an effort to please others with my appearance, or to violently reject the notion that it mattered at all whether others found me attractive. I went with the latter course, not so far as to try to make myself ugly, but just to formally and decisively stop caring how I looked. I cared about decency and cleanliness, and that was all. I got to the point where I often felt uncomfortable if someone told me I looked nice.

All well and good, and maybe that's what needed to happen in order for a certain amount of healing to take place. But now it's time to move past that. Over the course of this year, I want to recreate my understanding of what it means to be beautiful. I want to learn how to render unto the body what is the body's, and unto spirit what is spirit's. I have some ideas of how to begin, and I'm looking forward to what I will learn. And I'm going to journal here, to keep a record for myself and to share with others, who may also be struggling with the tension between cherishing their appearance and loving themselves regardless of their appearance.

If you're reading this, I'd love for you to comment and introduce yourself. Whether you do or not, though, thanks for dropping by!

3 comments:

Mrs Shew said...

Beauty and perception of beauty is something that I have struggled with more times through the years than I would ever care to admit or count.

I envy your journey and can't wait to hear more. I'm currently lost between being a mom and wife and not knowing where I am, as a singular being, apart from those roles.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I saw your "new look" photos on Facebook and thought, "What is Ms. G up to? This must connect somehow with her latest musings and writings." So I visited your blog(s) and caught up on your life over the last year or so. Wow.

Now you are pursuing a topic close to my heart because I work with women who are intentionally exploring themselves--their hearts and wounds and desires. Beauty is often connected deeply to all three.

Have you read Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge? Evang. pop lit, I know, but has some valuable things to say about Beauty and the feminine heart. Particularly the ideas about "unveiling" and "offering" rather than "possessing" Beauty. Perhaps fodder for the topic.

Love to you. Nice to know how you've been.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and Anne Lamott. Have you read her stuff? I always think about her struggle to love her hair (finally wore dreds) and her thighs (started calling them "aunties" and treating them like elderly, slightly embarrassing but very lovable relations). Love her.